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What Teachers and Parents Should Know Before Conferences

In this candid reflection, Head of Middle School Warren Sepkowitz offers valuable insights into the dynamics of parent-teacher conferences. Drawing on the work of educators such as David Mallery and the contributions of author, teacher, and clinical psychologist Michael Thompson, Warren shares what he wishes both parents and teachers understood before stepping into these conversations. With humor and empathy, he reminds us that the conference is about supporting the student’s growth and emphasizes the importance of understanding each other's perspectives to ensure productive and meaningful dialogue.

By Warren Sepkowitz, Head of Middle School

What I wish parents would know about teachers before conferences:

  • Teachers are not marriage counselors. When the heat gets hot between separated/divorced parents, teachers are not equipped for that.
  • Teachers went into a profession to be with children. Not adults. Sometimes, teachers are very nervous before parent conferences. It is tricky to know how to find the right dollop of honesty, which is to be balanced with care and compassion.
  • Teachers did not become stock brokers who are on the floor with tons of conflict. With only adults. In fact, teachers have chosen a career where in large parts of their day, they set the tempo in their class and do not have the practice which many of you do in your law firms and banking worlds where navigating conflict with adults is part of your daily gig. Again, teachers have chosen their world to be with middle school children, which is a unique set of realities and energy.
  • The conference is about the child. Not you as parents. Teachers are not being paid by People Magazine to get the inside skinny on what goes on in your home.

What I wish teachers would know about parents before conferences:

  • Teachers are not talking about the same person. Teachers are talking about their student. Parents are talking about their child who was carried in the womb for nine months by the mother or adopted after an exhaustive protocol by parents. That parents have gone to the pediatrician a zillion times for strep, viruses, asthma – that they remember the Pony birthday party. The roller skating birthday party. The bouncy thing birthday party. They have gone to family weddings and funerals with their child. The vista and the emotional history are different. 
  • Some parents get very nervous coming to parent conferences, because they think they will be judged.
  • Parents want similar and different things at the conference. And sometimes, parents are not on the same page of that they want. Affirmation. Celebration. Strategies on how their child can improve. Time to process the pace of the day and their other children’s conferences. Sometimes, it is wise to ask parents what they are hoping for today.
  • Some parents love their child so much that they are blind and unable to hear anything which resembles anything negative about their child’s academic and behavioral realty. That love is real and complex.